At the End Of the Day

Saturday and Sunday held my first set of feiseanna for the year.  It was a great start to the year as far as accomplishing goals.... I set out to at least place in something.  This was my very first time competing at the Prizewinner level and I'd heard the competition was significantly more difficult.  I walked away with one first, one second, two thirds, and two fourths.  Writing that out I know that I did really well.  But there was, and is, more underneath the surface.

Part of being a dancer is having dancer's feet.  They aren't very pretty without a shoe on and they hurt a lot even when they look graceful on stage.  I've never had much of a problem with my feet during a competition, except for this weekend.  Every time I put my soft shoes on it aggravated the pain in my toe making it very difficult to dance.  Somehow, although I didn't place on Sunday, I managed to pull off a third place in each of my dances.  It was an amazing gift from God and a timely confidence boost....

....Until I found out that I lost to another girl from our school.  Competing against a teammate is difficult enough with out adding to it the pressure of having goals to accomplish.  Every time I have competed against a classmate I have come out on top.  Losing was a hard pill to swallow.  And that was all I could focus on.  No longer was third place enough, I needed a first to qualify that step for the next level, I had to win and prove myself a better dancer, maybe even a better person.  These thoughts and feelings confused me.  I've never struggled with this kind of enmity before.  Really all I want is to be friends with this person and enjoy a real challenge.  But I was beginning to feel threatened and it came out in my attitude.  I was comparing myself to someone else instead of rejoicing in the goals I was accomplishing.  My focus was inward instead of outward.... the attitude of faith and humbleness I had the night before was far from me.  Deep down, I think my goals were much greater than simply trying to place in a dance.  I wanted attention and acceptance.  I felt like I had to prove myself even though I already know my performance does not determine my value.

Before this weekend even started I prayed so hard for this girl.  I prayed that she would compete at her very best and win.  The peace that came from hoping for her best assured me that my struggle was over.  She killed it this weekend.  I tried to rejoice in the answered prayer, but when it required my humbling it became a much larger pill to swallow.

Pre-feis selfie 

End of the day

I am finding that surrender and choosing to embrace the truth is a minute by minute struggle.  Sincerely wishing for my teammate's best is a purposeful and continuous process   There were moments this weekend when I won and I lost.  I am very thankful for patient parents, friends, and teachers who were there to back me up and encourage me when I was at my lowest.  Standing back from it all I see that it was a fantastic weekend and I have much to be thankful for.  Although I am disappointed in my reactions to the unexpected and my lack of faith, I am thankful for His continued grace and second chances.

My dad told me that when he deployed to Iraq he really thought it would be a good time for him to focus on prayer.  But God decided it was really time for him to work on his pride.  I feel the same way.  I did not expect to struggle this much with pride and discontent.  But I am thankful for the opportunity to grow in a place where I am forced to get back up every time I fall down.

In what ways are you having to persevere?

As we were driving home one of the billboards had a picture of John Wayne and this quote from True Grit on it, "Don't like quitters much."  I laughed a little to myself.  Okay John Wayne, I'm up.